I realized that my desire to be loved faded due to a lack of faith that it was possible (the reason for this lack of faith is not important, but the consequences are) and gradually transformed into a desire to be admired. I was admired for a while; I made it happen by being a radio journalist and a famous Russian blogger. But as time went on, the need for admiration almost completely replaced the need for love in my growing identity. I moved to the U.S., where nobody really knew me and wasn’t aware of how cool of a journalist, writer, and whatever else (;) I was. And, of course, the amount of admiration dropped. I spread myself as best as I could, but didn’t really get enough admiration (my replacement for love). In my personal relationships, I could never connect because I wasn’t looking for the right thing.
This is so clear to me now, but back then I didn’t see it. I was becoming someone I was not deep down in my heart, someone I didn’t like. Only now can I see that I didn’t want to talk to people (I was seriously considering moving to an island where I could see fewer people and nobody could bother me), relate to people, or communicate, because I was scared of not getting my so much desired and (now) demanded admiration, and I was becoming seriously pissed off and insulted by people not admiring me enough. (Would you believe how bad it was?)
Guys, this all may sound really nasty, and I am looking at it together with you and I am horrified because of what I was turning into. Turned into. No wonder I was rejecting “myself”—my identity—for such a long time.
Who I AM is a possibility of love, connection, communication, interaction, creating together, loving each other, being in peace together… This is who I really am!
The way I see how it all happens with us is this: We come to this world as fine material expressions of Pure Love—the source we all come from (this is just my vision). That’s why kids are so amazing—pure. But as life happens to us, we start to grow layers of identity. They are like pieces of onion skin—each decision about this world created by our identity (whose only purpose is to survive and protect us for survival) creates a new layer. Decisions we make in younger years stay deeper inside and closer to the core. The older we are, the more layers we have. Eventually, we grow so many of them, we begin to lose connection to our core—that Pure Love we actually all are. Some of us choose what our identity offers: survival. But those who are not willing to settle for survival, who still have this fire in their heart, choose to get back to themselves—find a way to their LOVE body, the core… And they start peeling off the layers.
Peeling off layers of your skin is sometimes immensely painful. And the closer you get to the core, the more painful it may become. I myself am a very emotional person, and I feel very deeply—so my peeling was pretty damn painful. But as I was getting closer to the last layer, mid-way, I suddenly understood what love is! You see, all of my conscious life I was already so far from the core, I couldn’t get it, couldn’t get Love. But I suddenly did—and everything straightened out.
I understood that Love is a space. It’s not a feeling or sensation, it’s an environment where you either allow yourself to be or not. It’s like a dimension we create for ourselves, our own world, our Universe, where we just let ourselves be—the way we are and the way we are not. And as it happens, as we give this space to ourselves, we just realize that everything and everyone is already in it—this is Love. Being there, letting yourself be there, immediately expands the space infinitely and begins containing everything and everyone—the way they are and the way they are not. And this is where we just start being. Just being in this world. Just being in Love. Just being Love. Just being us.
This is what Landmark does—it helps us get back, peel off all the dusty identity coats of unnecessary protection from being Love.
Thank you very much for reading to this point! I really hope I could make a difference with what I said.
So, let’s create something together!!!
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