A strange transformation happened to me. Strange because all other transformations filled me with piggy delight. I would skip and dance, feeling an incredible surge of energy within me.
But this time, the transformation brought tranquility.
It all began in Cabo, where once again I found myself pondering the meaning of life. On Thursday after work, Saki invited me over, and it ended with me trying to explain my suffering to her, and she (as always), instead of offering me a bit of compassion, began to tell me what a bad person I was. Even after I said – I just need a little compassion, she showed no desire to give it to me.
As a result, Friday was a very difficult day. I barely managed to endure three hours at work, and after lunch, I went home. On Saturday, I found myself rewatching “Transformation,” “The Moses Code,” and “The Secret” – movies that always give me an inner push and a new understanding and vision of my life. It happened again, and I think the timing was perfect.
Usually, I emerge from every crisis with a new understanding. This happens through making a decision. This time, the decision struck me to the core. I’m not even entirely sure it’s my decision. But I think it’s the only right decision at this stage of my life.
I have decided to rely solely (and solely) on myself. I mean, I didn’t exactly think everything would just fall into my lap before. But in this Decision I’ve just made, there’s much more depth. It implies that I’m ready to continue living completely alone. I’m ready for a life without close relationships. Without support (at all) – even though I believed (or used to believe) that life without support is impossible and that the most important thing for me in life is closeness with people. But the Decision – it’s the willingness to do and accomplish everything I need – everything I consider necessary and essential for me – without outside help. And to find my happiness under these conditions.
If I’m never destined to experience closeness with people – then I’ll accept it. If I have to lose weight absolutely without support (which for many is almost unattainable, the key moment in this process is almost always support) – then I’ll do it myself. If I have to climb the career ladder without help and patronage – then I’ll rely only on my own strength, skills, and efforts. If I’m not destined to be loved – then I’ll find a way to be happy alone, even though love and relationships have always been the most important thing in my life.
I think the essence of this transformation (this “shift”) is the change of the “most important thing” in my life – from love to learning to be happy outside of interaction, without involving other people – by myself. This is what my father tried to convey to me with his words. He told me: “Always rely only on yourself”… But can a child understand such a thing, especially from their father, especially when he has always been, as my therapist said, a total egotist. All a daughter needs to get from her father is love, and then she will learn to be self-sufficient and not need constant confirmation that she means something.
In my Decision – there’s a shift of focus and attention onto myself. Not in the sense of total self-indulgence and satisfying my needs. That’s necessary too, just within reasonable limits. But in the sense of wanting to build my own coherent world and fill it with happiness so that it never depends on other people or uncontrollable phenomena.
I think this will require some time and mindfulness, but I’m ready to go this path, even if I never have another friend or lover in my life.
But – surprisingly – in these three days that I’ve been living with this Decision, I’ve noticed how dependencies and expectations from other people have begun to weaken before my eyes. If I need something from other people – I’ll ask. Or not ask. But I won’t wait for them to do it or give it to me. I won’t wait for friendship – in return or just because. If something arises on its own: I’ll cherish and love it. And if not – then not. I won’t wait for love. If it’s destined for me – it will happen. And if not – then I’ll learn to be alone. I won’t wait for recognition. If influential people don’t see my abilities – then it’s not my place there. But I’ll make every effort to show what I’m capable of. And more.
This is how I want to start living now. Without hope that someone can give me something – support, friendship, love, patronage, even time. I don’t want to depend on anyone. I don’t want my happiness to depend on someone else. I want my happiness to depend only on myself.
And this decision brings incredible tranquility to my heart.
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