In the psyche of a “healthy” (integrated) individual, the Observer (compassionate, wise, adult) is the Primary personality, while subpersonalities are merely “social roles” we play – worker, spouse, child, parent, friend, – and so on. All these are healthy subpersonalities, and they all play by the Observer’s rules.
The Observer maintains a calm attitude towards the world and understands that they are neutral. The Observer harbors no fears or suspicions that something is wrong with them or the world. The Pure Observer does not draw conclusions but simply goes through life, enjoying where they can and grieving where it’s sad, yet attaching no meaning to events, especially concerning who they are – to themselves and to the world. It is the Observer who is capable of pure, open love and gives it to the world and themselves without restrictions.
During a childhood trauma, the personality is conditionally split into three (primary) subpersonalities – the wounded, the critical, and the compassionate (or the Observer, in other words, pure awareness). During the experience of intense pain, the child’s Observer is not yet strong enough to be able to accept this pain; thus, they are forced to separate out the part of themselves that experiences this pain into a separate subpersonality. This subpersonality immediately recedes into the background to diminish the pain. The voice of this part is barely heard, as otherwise, it would scream in pain.
The Observer still remains, but in the “fragmented” psyche under the weight of trauma, even they recede into the background. Although they are the main “personality,” there is “no longer trust” in them; they failed to handle the pain. They couldn’t handle it; they were still too young. But the traumatized psyche wrests control from the Observer and passes it to a new subpersonality, which lacks pain but possesses a mechanism for rapid critical reaction – this is the “Critical.” The Critical ensures viability and strives to keep the Wounded locked away behind seven locks.
It’s as if it’s saying – your tears won’t get you anywhere; I know how to get love myself – and creates those very “rules” it believes in throughout life, not listening to anyone – until all three subpersonalities reunite and realize that there are no rules.
Sometimes the Critical finds it very, very difficult because according to its rules, nothing works either. It wants to start believing that maybe it’s possible to let the Wounded out and listen to their feelings, and maybe the Observer isn’t such an idiot with all its wisdom. Maybe, one can listen to them and do things differently from what the Critical believes in. And it goes, and it does things differently, but, of course, it still doesn’t work because it continues to believe in the rules the Critical believes in. It doesn’t work, yet it persists.
What is self-love then?
The Critical’s rules don’t work. Even when they are followed. Because the only purpose of these rules – whether they are followed or not – is to repel love! Because it’s love that wounded the Wounded! Because loving and being loved hurt! It’s life-threatening! Horrible and unacceptable! And no matter how much the subpersonalities want love, they will do EVERYTHING in their power to push it away! And the only way out of this vicious circle is to allow oneself to accept love, starting from oneself.
In a “healthy” (whole) personality, this process happens naturally and is so deeply ingrained in the psyche that it simply happens in the background without standing out as a separate process. In a traumatized psyche, almost all difficulties are proofs, to one extent or another, of the individual’s uselessness, inadequacy, and the pointlessness of their attempts to create and receive love.
That’s why “healthy” people absolutely don’t understand how one can suffer so much just because a cashier didn’t smile? This is how: because the traumatized one walks around trembling with fear that they were probably born by some mistake, and that they are an “failed experiment” and are not needed in this world, and if no one smiles at them, it’s proof that they’re not cut out for this existence.
Self-love for the traumatized is an inner permission for the Critical to start accepting love outside the rules, outside conditions. The only way to do this is to allow the Observer (the one with compassion, and thus capable of giving love) to start giving love to the Critical and the Wounded. Essentially, they are two sides of the same coin, but the Critical is the frightened angry child who screams at the one sitting next to them “I’m crying” and accuses them of never having love again because of their love.
When we talked about how the Observer needs to start giving love to the other subpersonalities, I asked – what if I have nothing to give? I need love so much, but I feel empty, I am unable to give anything.
Juanita replied that one can start with something very small: for example, lighting a candle every day for this frightened wounded child. That’s exactly what she did – that was the maximum she was capable of for some time. But soon enough she could move on to more active actions. The next step is to open a dialogue with this child. Start listening to them and just have compassion. Listen to them for as long as needed and simply be there, patting their head, and allow them to cry on the Observer’s shoulder. As much as needed. Then, the right words need to be given – about how loved, how important, how valuable they are – each their own, depending on what the Critical is shouting about.
As many times as the Critical received verbal or tangible confirmations of how unimportant and unnecessary they are – they need to receive at least as many, if not more, verbal affirmations and assurances of how important and necessary they are.
I specifically asked if this process ever ends. And Juanita replied, yes, absolutely, this process ends, a time of healing and reuniting all subpersonalities will come.
Throughout this week, I’ve been lighting one candle at a time. Of course, just “lighting a candle” is not enough. I light it with intention. Every time I look at this burning candle, I think about how I did it for the little frightened child. It might be something small, it might not be the whole world they dream of, but one has to start somewhere. Until I am able to give them more. But as soon as I can, I will start listening to them. I really want to be able to let them speak out soon and cry out about everything they want to complain about, endure it, release everything they need to release, and be there to make them feel protected, that someone big and strong is nearby, who loves them and wants them to be happy.
Essentially, at least for this time – when it’s safe – the Observer comes to the forefront and teaches the frightened and wounded about love without rules.
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