Over the past month, I’ve been working with a therapist. Never before in my life have I had the opportunity to regularly communicate with a psychologist, at least not for a whole month. All my previous encounters were spontaneous and unplanned, for the most part. This time, I needed to have at least four scheduled sessions.
To be honest, I went into this work feeling like a complete mess. August was such a difficult month for me because of job rejections. And, of course, the psychologist I worked with probably saw a much sadder situation than what it really was. I cried and talked about events from my childhood that, I thought, might have influenced who I grew up to be.
It’s difficult to convey everything we worked on, but I’ll try to summarize the main points.
Initially, my interest in this psychologist arose from resonating with her articles on early childhood trauma. She confirmed that yes, it seemed there was such trauma. And I began to see how it played out.
By nature, I’m a very logical person with an analytical mind, and understanding the workings of the mind is incredibly important to me – both in its normal state and in a traumatized state. I really needed to understand how it worked for me.
With the help of the psychologist, I was able to see that, probably, my mother lacked support during my first two years of life (and possibly she herself had a childhood trauma of fusion – when a person doesn’t fully understand themselves as a separate individual and needs to connect with another person at the highest level for a sense of security and to function somewhat normally) and used the relationship with me as a protection from the outside world (perhaps from my father).
In one way or another, I realized that I had a tendency to merge with a close person – whoever it might be – but more often than not (since I don’t have close relationships), my immediate boss at work fulfills the parental role. It’s not surprising that I find it so difficult to stay at work: subconsciously, I’m practically dependent on how my boss perceives me and whether he can “protect” me from the outside world and confirm my significance as a person – the tendencies of a child unable to protect themselves or understand their own significance, a very young child.
I began to see how this subconscious, basic position, this mental state, affects all aspects of my life…
And yes, I agree with the psychologist I worked with – for many people, it takes a long time to go through this, to experience and “grow” with the help of a therapist from a child to an adult.
But here’s what I noticed. Still, I’m a very aware person. I quickly saw how this trauma works and affects my life and what it does to my psyche. I was like an observer from the outside, analyzing it, from the perspective of a wise, aware person that exists in each of us. Perhaps this is that piece of God that lives in all of us, knows everything, understands everything, and knows how things should be.
I’m not saying that I’m completely “healed” and I no longer need therapy. But with these four sessions with the support of a psychologist and my own internal support and mindfulness work, I think I’ve taken a big step forward. I already see and know how it works, and even this knowledge helps me literally extract myself from situations where I would have otherwise gotten stuck.
I discovered that I want to take care of myself again, to nurture myself, to move forward, to do what I love – including things I previously hesitated to do or even feared. Now I feel the strength within me to move forward calmly, for example, to seek investment for the project I’m working on. I’m seriously planning a few things in my personal life and working on my business, contemplating two books, and continuing to work on Kimonology.
I have new ideas, a new surge of energy, and a strong desire to improve my health.
And there’s a desire to continue therapy.
I think mindfulness (kind, critical evaluation with understanding and love) helped me through a difficult period, and working with a psychologist (very difficult and painful) was faster and more effective because I was “mindful”.
My desire to simplify my life is growing stronger, as is my desire to be and live where I want. Thoughts on how to do this are becoming more organized – on the verge of turning into intentions. And more formed intentions about the plan for the coming years.
Thank you, my self-awareness.
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