I’d like to share a near death experience that I had after my mom died. But before I go into details, I have to say that I am not completely positive that it actually was an NDE or just merely a dream about an NDE.
It definitely didn’t feel like a typical dream. I don’t know for a fact that I actually died. So, it’s for you to make that judgment. But based on some of the stories I’ve heard before about the near death experience, what I experienced is very similar to some of those stories. In fact, it sounds exactly the same as what one particular person described what she thought was hell.
I had this dream a few months after my mom died. She passed away suddenly. I didn’t really have time to prepare to lose her. Well, of course, nobody is ever truly prepared to lose their parents, especially when they go too young. My mom was 54, and I was 21.
She was admitted to a hospital with pain in her stomach and died in less than a month. While in the hospital, she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. It was 1993, they could not surgically remove it, and there were no effective treatments at this point, but there were some possibilities of experimental treatments, and I just had an initial meeting with my mom’s physician to discuss them, when my mother suddenly died. The actual cause of her death was thrombembolia – a blood clot that clogged her heart.
Some people may say she was lucky to go fast and with little pain, as she only suffered for less than a month. If she had died from actual cancer, her suffering could have extended for months, and would have been much more painful. This also could have brought major pain to me, as I was observing her deteriorating within that month while she was in a hospital, and it was very hard.
And although consciously I knew that she could pass away, the thought didn’t settle in my mind. I simply rejected the idea, and her actual passing that I witnessed in person, was shocking to me. The fact just didn’t want to become the reality, or rather I didn’t want it to.
My mom was no longer, and I couldn’t accept it.
I remember that my colleagues told me that I became a shadow of a woman. At that time, I worked at a radio station reading on air, and got comments that my voice had no life in it, I would walk and look straight in front of me with no emotions. Everyone understood that I was going through grief. But for some strange reason I couldn’t see those changes in me. To me, everything seemed normal, I guess, it was my mind’s survival mode.
About 6 months passed by, and I still appeared like a living zombie to everyone around me. When one day I had this dream…
In my dream, I was standing near a window in a small Moscow studio where we lived with my mom before she died. In my dream, the studio looked exactly as it did in real life. But unlike real life, everything in the room was covered with a thick layer of gray dust.
My mom was standing in the other part of the room, at the door, wearing a home dress, that was also very dusty. Hair rollers on her head covered with a small triangle scarf. She was looking at me and there was sadness and pity in her eyes, as if I upset her deeply.
Suddenly I saw that there was a large bloody wound in the upper left side of my chest. And immediately I started feeling that I was losing blood and strength. Everything happened so quickly and yet I still remember every long second of it. The next moment, I was floating above myself towards the ceiling. My mom was looking at me as if she knew that it was about to happen. She looked at me one last time and left the room. While I kept flying up to the ceiling.
At that point I knew that I (or my soul) was no longer present in my body, I saw my body below me, as I was flying through the ceiling to – as I thought – my upstairs neighbors condo. But instead, white ceiling turned into white light and at the same time I heard a very beautiful and tender jingly sound that I knew could not be produced by any musical instrument. Now I think it must have belonged to the native environment of that layer of existence.
The jingly sound lasted for just a quick second during which I felt absolute joy and peace. Right after that came what I can only describe as absolute endless and empty darkness. The blackest black that contained nothing and nobody – no glimpse of light, no sound, no movement, – nothing. I felt completely and utterly disconnected from everything, and all I felt was a horrific loneliness which I thought was supposed to last for eternity. It was the most horrific experience of my life, and since that moment remains as such.
This is exactly how one of the people who went through NDA described her experience with what she thought was hell. Of course we don’t know for sure, but I would agree that at least for me there could not be a torture worse that what I felt in that endless darkness. I was there for only seconds, but got fully and completely filled with the terror of that place, when I woke up.
Interestingly enough the experience didn’t end there. Just after I woke up I realized that although I was no longer in that black space and I was happy to come back to my human existence, I found myself unable to move. I tried to wiggle my toes and move my fingers, but felt nothing, as if I was paralyzed. Little by little though I started feeling my body responding to my attempts to move. At that moment I truly understood the meaning of the phrase “coming back to one’s senses”. My senses were slowly recovering, and based on my approximate assessment, it took about half an hour for me to fully regain control of my body.
For some time after that though I was laying in bed unable to sleep, remembering the horrifying experience and trying to make sense of it. Till this day, I don’t know if it was truly a near death experience, or perhaps it was just a dream, a very very bad nightmare… I still don’t know. But since that day my healing process of recovery after losing my mom has finally begun. As if it woke me up from my emotional coma, in which I brewed for the 6 months prior to the dream.
It actually took me a total of three years to come to peace with the realization that my mom died. However, it was much easier starting that episode, and one day, I found myself to be able to say that my mother passed away and to be at peace with the fact, and continue living my life.
This video could be found here: https://youtu.be/M6iL8H_dU_E
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