I read an article describing mothers who once did things in raising their children and now “deny” their responsibility… Almost all the comments on the post angrily expose such parents who are unable to acknowledge to themselves how monstrously they sometimes treat their children, as if pretending that nothing of the sort ever happened…
On one hand, I am in the shoes of such a child myself – my dad never stopped telling me how fat I was (although he himself loved full-figured women), and my mom convinced me that “boys would not love me” and that I was “rude and unfeminine,” of course, not out of malice.
And I don’t even know now if I will ever be able to get out from under the weight of these attitudes that my parents instilled in me and firmly entrenched in my childhood (I believe that because of this, my whole life is distorted).
But, on the other hand, what should parents do? Feel guilty for such behavior all their lives (if they realize what they did)? Endlessly ask for forgiveness? Let their children ride them to madness in an attempt to atone for their guilt?
I am not talking now about mentally deficient parents who abuse and torment their children because they are ill. I am talking about normal people who simply did not know how or did not understand that they were causing pain and distorting the lives of their children. What should they do now, after many years have passed? Even saying “sorry” – even once – requires very great internal strength.
But, one way or another, our parents raised us and brought us up, at least for that we should thank them for raising us so that we can realize the damage they have done to us and live with it and try to live progressively.
Parents always inflict some damage on their children, one way or another. There is no upbringing without pushing the individual out of their comfort zone. Sometimes they can overdo it, but our parents lived not in the era of knowledge about positive thinking. Even my mom, a graduate of the department of “preschool pedagogy and psychology,” could not realize the harm she was doing to me (even I saw it better than her, in the process), not to mention people who did not finish universities.
They fed, clothed, shod us, made sure we went to school, had pens and notebooks, studied well – for many people in their lives, this was the most important thing, so they considered it the most important thing for their children. And the fact that they hurt their delicate souls there, trying to set the child on self-development, on self-awareness in this world – they did not bother with such high matters.
My mom died when I was 21. Before she died, she wrote me a letter admitting that she was often unfair to me and did not give me enough (I think she meant that she did not teach me to love myself or something like that… not sure). Only when dying, she was able to admit it.
My father died three years ago and never once admitted to himself what he did to my life. On the contrary, I think he suffered all his life, thinking that he abandoned me (they divorced my mom when I was 7 years old), and every time under the influence of alcohol he told me that he didn’t abandon me, didn’t want to, that he loved me. Every time. At the same time, he absolutely did not realize that in fact his second wife, her daughter, and her family were always more important to him than me, although, in words, it was completely different.
I think it cannot be more painful than admitting to oneself that they disfigured their child’s life, whereas the only thing parents always want for their children is for them to be happy. I think the psyche will postpone the moment of realization and recognition of the fact that people have caused their children harm and strongly traumatized them. Otherwise, a person simply would not be able to exist.
It’s not worth blaming our parents for everything now, let alone demanding some “awareness” from them and expecting their endless regrets about how unfairly they treated us. It is what it is. Without accepting this, we will only distance ourselves from the closest people to us. Whatever happened, love will still remain. It’s very difficult for me without parents, especially without my mom.
Realizing the damage our parents caused us is not meant to blame them for it, but to understand ourselves. It’s too late to blame anyone now. What we need to do now is to accept it and continue to love and accept their love because it hasn’t gone anywhere; our parents still love us and want us to be happy more than anything in the world.
No responses yet