After many years of living in the United States, I have noticed a common tendency: not to like immigrants, even those who are not doing anything wrong.
I believe this stems from a lack of trust, and I would like to share why, based on my personal experiences.
As someone who was over 30 when I came to the U.S., I must admit that assimilation has been one of the biggest challenges of my life. I am 44 now, and it remains a significant challenge. Human beings are usually fully formed as individuals by age 25, at least in terms of their core values. Changing the basis of our identities after that age requires extensive work and essentially means demolishing existing values and rebuilding ourselves, sometimes from scratch.
Immigrants who come to the U.S. as adults always go through a period of adapting their values and cultural beliefs to those accepted and common in American culture. Always. There is always a time of adjustment and always stress. The most resilient ones (or those without deep mental connections) can fit in sooner. It helps to have a family or some kind of immersion in their own culture.
If an immigrant is alone, coming from a culture that is very distinct from the American one (which is most cultures), is a complex individual, and is middle-aged, assimilation is one of the hardest things to do.
What I have noticed in the U.S. is almost a demand to immediately fit in and be like those who are born here. Be like us or go home. This is what I have been constantly experiencing. American culture is unforgiving to those who are different. Everyone who doesn’t fit in right away will be an outcast. I understand why—people always fear what they don’t understand.
So, we try to fit in, but for immigrants in their thirties or older, this may mean relinquishing their core values, their cultural basis, their beliefs, and passions. The very basis of their identities. It’s almost impossible at that age without huge losses and immense stress. It’s possible if they have lots of support and maybe mental health assistance, but it is still a painful process. The worst part is when a person likes the values and beliefs they are being asked to change in order to fit in. It’s even harder then.
The metaphor would be someone with ears and a nose coming to a planet where people don’t have those features. In order to be accepted, the alien is required to cut off these body parts. Considering that everything mental, emotional, and pertaining to beliefs is much deeper-seated and more important to our survival than ears and a nose, the change required from us is absolutely impossible at times.
But we still want to assimilate. We want to know that you understand us (therefore are not scared of us). Needless to say, we would love to share what we have in our cultures to enrich American culture. Here, at your convenience, without needing to travel all over the world, we have most cultures represented in the United States. We can learn from the best of those cultures every day! Instead, we put them through a meat grinder, demanding that they follow our generic rules for our convenience.
What will those people who, for some reason, couldn’t or didn’t want to change for your convenience do? They will PRETEND. Pretend that they are the same as you. Pretend that they like not looking you in the eye and don’t want to hug you because you may think they are sexually pursuing you when they just like you as a human being. Pretend that they like to hear an invite to a first date in the form, “Hey, wanna hang out and grab a beer?” In fact, they hate it because they don’t want to be your beer buddy with whom you are having sex. Pretend that they feel fine when everything inside them is screaming for help. Because if they share, you will think they are nuts. Pretend that they don’t like the sunset to the point of crying because you will think they are pretending to be emotional. Pretend to smile at a cashier who is smiling at them because it’s in her job description, not because she wants to. Because if they don’t smile, you will think that they are rude. And they simply want to only smile when they sincerely feel it, not fake a warm feeling… I could go on and on. We all PRETEND to be like you because otherwise, you will never let us in.
And what do you do about people who are constantly pretending? You don’t trust them. Boom. It’s alive…
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