What a freaking cocktail of subjects I am. Sometimes it seems to me that I am a classic specimen for studying many topics, such as the rupture of relationships with my father at a tender age, merging with my mother, and the subsequent desire to reunite with her as one whole in mature relationships, even with the opposite sex, global beliefs in my own inadequacy and the refraction of perception of reality, observed through these ‘rose-colored’, or rather, black glasses. Well, and so on.
To this day, I still can’t understand whether I need to spend twenty-five years in a psychotherapist’s office to finally get rid of all the childhood traumas that my immature forty-year-old (apparently still eleven-year-old) consciousness is still living with, or is it enough with a healthy dose of awareness and going through all the ‘painful’ topics with it. Or is it my fate to remain ‘unfinished’ and immature all my life and forget about ever having any happiness in life…
Honestly, when I start thinking about all this, my brain literally boils, reboots, and gives a blue screen. That’s it. Nowhere to go further.
So then I completely turn off my brain and start looking for answers where, in my opinion, it is more sincere and generally correct – in the heart. And then everything becomes very simple and clear. All you need is love – you can’t say it better. After that, you can gently turn on your brain and under careful supervision let it draw the following conclusions.
The first step is to cancel decisions. When we are unhappy, it means that we once made wrong (not working for us) decisions. We need to find these decisions and cancel them or accept new ones in their place. It’s all banal, written in any textbook on personal development, and everyone has known it for a long time. For example, we decided that we are ugly, and therefore no one will like us, and therefore blah-blah-blah. Or that we are stupid. Or that we are talentless. Or that we will always be betrayed. Or that it’s impossible to earn a living through honest work.
Well, you know what you have. Even when you think you don’t know. You always come back to it. This is what you hit like a dead-end when you try to find the reason. This is it. There may be more than one of these decisions. But it’s best if you find them all. And, as one wise lady said, “This process is finite,” which means that this process is far from endless. There aren’t so many of these decisions in our minds, and sooner or later, they will all be discovered by you and neutralized.
The second step is to realize that the old decisions are not branded on our destinies. This is a very important step. Some think that now, they will stop thinking about something like that, believe in a bright future, but the dark past is still hidden somewhere in the subconscious and will now chase them all their lives, like a tin can tied to a cat’s tail, and this stigma will always be on them. It is important to understand for yourself that “there is no tin can.” Just as there is not only “dark past,” but also no past at all, it always exists only in our heads. And when we make new decisions or just cancel old ones, we can confidently move forward.
The third step is to be prepared. Precisely because all the past (depending on the integrity of memory) always exists in our consciousness in an unencrypted form, we can, in principle, randomly open any file at any time. Even the one we long ago put in the trash: nothing is deleted from there. Unfortunately, memory cleaning machines from “Men in Black” haven’t been invented yet. This is the property of our consciousness.
Therefore, every time our wandering brains open that very file, when this “past” appears before us as an “impenetrable wall,” our main task is quietly and calmly to return to the first point of this article and remember the cancellation of non-working decisions (in other words, canceling the dark past as a way of being). Unlike the first one, this process is not infinite, that is, such chaotic openings of old files can occur periodically throughout life and unexpectedly. However, the good news is that over time, this will happen less and may even stop at some point or cease to affect us.
The fourth step is to act. In fact, this should have been the first step, because it is precisely in the process of activity, exploring life, discovering its unknown sides, phenomena, opportunities, and so on, that we begin to run into those same walls. When we quietly live like little plants on the windowsill of our own life and do not participate in how ‘not depending on us’ life circumstances water and fertilize us, we don’t need to do anything – and fight with ourselves either.
As soon as we start doing something (getting to know people, striving for our dream job, etc.), our ‘dark past’ stands in our way. All internal obstacles come from there, from ‘non-working’ decisions. So you have to do something to start this cleansing process, to keep doing it – to move forward, to your happiness.
I used to I wake up in the mornings and – honestly – sometimes I realized I haв no reason to wake up or do anything. Because there’s no one to do that for. And coming up with reasons seems ridiculous.
But I get up and tell myself that I’m not here by chance. That I’m a physical possibility to experience the beauty of the intangible. That this day is worth living for at least fifteen magical minutes, as I drive west on the 405, home, gazing at the shimmering drops on the glass of my Honda. At least for the smile of my cubicle neighbor. At least for the value I bring to people by creating software design. At least to see my comedy class classmates on Saturday and laugh together with them.
At least to dream of looking into the eyes of a loved one one more time and maybe – just maybe! – see the answer to my gaze in them. Dreaming of catching a wave one more time. To walk naked in front of the mirror and rejoice at the reflection, if only for a short while. To briefly buy not the clothes that fit me, but the ones that express my individuality… And still dream – only with memories – of someday, when I’m gone, to talk to mom. And dad. Somewhere, embrace them non-corporeally. And ask for forgiveness for not giving them the love they so needed. While they were still alive.
I wake up in the morning. And if my petty voice says there was no point in waking up, I wipe away that voice and answer: I’m in this world for a very short time. And it’s terribly sad because in this world there’s so much life, beauty, and love that even the lives of all the people in Los Angeles wouldn’t be enough for one person to experience even a small part of the magic that this life holds. I’ve created a wonderful world for myself, where I have everything I need to continue creating everything I want.
I am the reason for everything that happens to me in this life. And if that’s the case, then I can create everything that’s possible. And even the impossible.
And then I can’t wait to start this day. And once again create something beautiful in it…
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