Do not walk in front of me – I may not follow, do not walk behind me – I may not lead, but walk beside me and be my friend.
– Albert Camus
Since time immemorial, people have been getting married, are getting married, and likely will continue to do so as long as they exist. Divorces are a little younger – ever since the church began allowing them. The terrible statistics claim that divorce is not so rare – eight out of ten cases end that way. The fate of the two remaining families is usually also predetermined – one does not live, but endures, and only the last – the tenth – is truly happy. What happened to those nine? The reason is often cited as “love gone irretrievably.” Where does it leave the family, and how can it be stopped? What and how affects this beautiful feeling when we become wives, and our beloved – husbands? And why does it matter at all?
BEFORE
I haven’t seen Lena for four years, the girl I studied with. Back in our student years, we talked about her love story with Andrey with admiration and some mysterious delight – such feelings each of us could only dream of – it was a real-life fairy tale. And when I finally met her, I naturally asked how things were with Andrey. It turned out they got married. But for some reason, I didn’t see happiness in my friend’s eyes.
When I asked her how married life was, Lyuba shrugged and replied, “Like everyone else’s – nothing special. When we weren’t married, I was happy, I couldn’t wish for anything else, but now – I’m not even sure I love him. Without Andrey, I probably won’t be able to. And he – without me, but the kind of love we had before – is gone. We just live together, we have a son growing up. Everything is usual and predictable. Neither good nor bad. Imagine something else? – Well, I don’t really want anything else. We live quietly. Just, it seems, out of habit.”
Oh, those dreams of a young girl! How she wants to meet a handsome prince or just the most wonderful person with whom she will spend her whole life in great heavenly, or maybe earthly, but still – beautiful love, and when the fairy tale finally comes to you, after some time, on one beautiful morning, you suddenly look at your prince in training pants with pulled-up knees, quietly chewing oatmeal, and it becomes so sad that you start to think, “And I waited so long for this ‘fairy tale’?!!” Is love really the miracle that was real, gone? And unexpectedly at that.
Remember how wonderful everything was when you first met? In the midst of your romance? He – a miracle, better than anyone, he always meets you with flowers, drives you home, remembers the day of your meeting, is kind to your mother, sometimes fulfills your wildest whims, and most importantly – constantly says that he can’t wait for the moment when you get married. Meetings with him are a real joy for you, you’re on cloud nine with happiness, and, of course, you try to make him as happy with you as never before. When he enters the room, your heart starts pounding. You realized that you really love him. He says the same to you, and you have no reason not to trust him.
You’re inseparable, but you can’t be together all the time yet. Occasionally, you manage to spend a weekend alone together. And then your love knows no bounds, it flows like a river. You do everything to make him want to be with you always. He dreams of the same thing. And then you decide that you want to spend a lifetime together. Of course, you get married for love and because of love. You don’t even think about the fact that you might someday part ways. You don’t even consider it – you love each other so much, all possible disagreements seem petty and pitiful compared to the immense love you now have. Forever! Who can question our love?!! Ironically, you do it yourselves.
AFTER – OPTIONS
The first – sweet – time of marriage is called the “honeymoon” for a reason. It can last from a few days to really (!!!) a month, two, or even six – depending on how quickly you get tired of intimacy and how much imagination you have in inventing recipes for spending evenings together. But all simple and easy things come to an end at some point. Family is a serious matter that is decided by the couple, in union. And for the successful outcome of any matter, mere desire is not enough, just as love alone is not enough to create a happy family. Unfortunately, in all countries that claim to be civilized (except perhaps for that part of the world where the laws of Eastern religions prevail), serious problems exist in family relationships.
Of course, you can follow the old good principle “A woman should know her place” or “The skirt – there, where the kitchen is”. But you and I don’t live in a cave, and you, quite naturally, probably won’t want all your family functions to be reduced to being a free housekeeping app for your spouse. Family, for you, and for your chosen one, is first and foremost a path to happiness, otherwise – why do you need it at all? Moreover, unfortunately, the definition of family includes not only the concept of “always being together,” but, in turn, “always being together” implies much more – starting from the fact that, most likely, you will eat the same food, to the fact that you may have to meet with his friends whom you don’t want to see as much as he does – for example, with your parents.
WHEN THE ROSE-COLORED GLASSES ARE OFF
Now let’s briefly descend from heaven and remember that besides the pleasant experiences of “great inhuman love,” there are also a few stupid little things in life. We have known since childhood that love is blind – and we have long been accustomed to it. It is also an undeniable fact that a person in love tends to idealize their beloved – but for some reason, this is not always taken into account. At the moment when you flutter on the wings of love’s bliss, fate is already preparing something to really hit you, and the most annoying thing is that the higher you soar, the harder the hit will be – this is not said by us.
Let’s peek behind the curtain called “romantic relationships.” You already know all HIS virtues – he has demonstrated them to you. And you, of course, assume that he, like any ordinary person, naturally has flaws. And maybe you are already familiar with some of them. Well, for example, you don’t like that he smokes, but he, okay, when you meet, he doesn’t do it if you ask him not to. Well, one day he didn’t shave, and after another date, it was just sad to look at your tender cheeks. Well, maybe on one of your wonderful evenings together, he put on the table not your favorite Asti Martini champagne, but a terrible liqueur that he likes and you can’t stand. But all this, in general, can be forgiven. Two or three times.
Okay, now let’s talk about you. How does he usually see you? Dressed to the nines, with shining eyes of joy, perfumed, smiling. Of course, you try to hide your bad mood, try to be interested in his work, thank him for the gift, and “not notice” that he is a little annoyed. Sometimes you want to entertain him, and you even perform a real feat, inventing a new dress all night long, or even manage (horror!) to stand at the stove for three hours to surprise him with something he has never tried in his life.
He may not realize that you, to be honest, don’t really like cooking, it takes real effort for you to maintain a charming smile when he jumps in front of the TV during a hockey match. He might not even suspect that sometimes you can raise your voice in an argument with family members. And the worst thing is that you are a lark, and he is a real owl. When we want to please, we naturally try to show the best of ourselves, but only the good part – unfortunately, it’s only part of the truth. Somewhere deep down, you may feel that when you are always together with your beloved, you will immediately become the most wonderful, and all problems will disappear into thin air. (After all, you are happy – what problems can there be!!!).
WHEN THE TWO REDISCOVER EACH OTHER
Unfortunately, it’s been observed that at first glance, seemingly incredible love quietly fades, and soon dies altogether a couple of months after marriage. This, of course, is a tragedy. And the tragedy here is primarily that the two don’t understand one simple thing. No, love hasn’t died, they’ve just gotten a little used to it, they’ve had their fill of its novelty and fresh energy. But fairy tales and novelty can’t last forever. Now begins a quiet, peaceful, ordinary existence together, which they so desired.
Somehow, they suddenly start to feel that something is wrong, that their feelings have weakened, that they no longer love each other. And in reality, it’s just the veil of romanticism lifting, and we begin to get to know each other anew. Suddenly it turns out that even though the occasional meetings and weekends together were wonderful, we absolutely don’t know how to live together. Even if we see our chosen one very often, we can be truly surprised at how differently we’re accustomed to living.
“When I met Igor, it seemed to me that everything I wanted came to me with his appearance in my life. I wanted what we had between us to last a lifetime, that’s why we wanted to get married. But after a few months of our married life, I realized that I couldn’t wake up every day and make him breakfast, wake up in the middle of the night from his terrible snoring, sometimes see his unzipped fly and pick up scattered things all over the apartment, when it’s so easy to just hang them in the closet. No love can withstand this!”
It’s reasonable to ask yourself the question: “What is love?” According to logic – a sharp desire for the happiness of another person. If, of course, it’s real love. The kind you want. And you’ll probably agree with that. But think, is your love always enough for what makes your loved one happy? True love involves sacrifice, incredible tolerance, and readiness to change oneself. True love is knowledge. Knowledge of who is beside you.
DECEIVED EXPECTATIONS
In the stories of my friends, who didn’t get a chance to try living with their chosen one before marriage, there are always phrases like “I wanted…” and then there’s a list of various joys that married life promises, which ends with phrases like “I never thought…” – and a few not very pleasant things, the presence of which in married life we usually know, but hope that they will pass us by.
This, of course, is naive. But even if we see and are ready for all the difficulties that accompany the happiness of “being together,” if we are ready to sacrifice, if we know what can await us at sharp turns, it’s still very difficult to go from the throne, to which flowers, evenings, smiles, and confessions were brought, to, at best, just the stove. Flowers, of course, will continue to be given, true, at best – on birthdays and wedding anniversaries (if he doesn’t forget). Evenings, of course, will also be arranged, but now you will arrange them – shop, cook, and then wash the dishes. And it’s not easier for your chosen one – before, he thought about how to spend the evening, and now he thinks about how to support the family, it’s good if it’s only consisting of two people for now.
Before marriage, we most likely hide the unattractive sides of our characters, and after some time, we can no longer live together and “deceive” each other. Everything that’s inside is revealed – both good and bad. Now he sometimes sees you in the morning without makeup, disheveled (and he married the most wonderful woman!), in turn, he too sometimes doesn’t shine – forgets those signs of attention that he showed you when trying to win you over. The one you so longed for no longer inspires you. The point here is that before marriage, you tried to win each other over, and when that happened, it seems you can relax. You start to be who you really are, not just “on parade.”
But at first, even this recognition seems cute to you, you like that everything is revealed to you completely. You even idealize each other, even flaws seem pleasant to you. But it’s not for long. Soon what seemed cute starts to annoy. He can raise his voice, slam the door, and you – withdraw into yourself. Or, what’s even worse – burst into tears. And it’s very good if you’re spiritually close enough to talk heart to heart and smooth out all the rough edges, but, strangely enough, unfortunately, not all couples can do that. Meanwhile, what actually bound you – love, you already remember as a sweet fairy tale, which, it seems, wasn’t there at all, and if it was, it was very short.
It would be really great if you immediately understand that something is wrong with the family and quietly, calmly, begin to revive your once truly wonderful relationship. It’s much sadder if there are no real problems. All possible problems have already been eliminated, characters have already adapted to each other, but love still somehow quietly dies, there’s no passion anymore, and even sex has become more than monotonous.
In the second year of married life, my acquaintance Sveta faced the same problem. “Suddenly I felt unbearably dreary. Everything was fine, in the usual rhythm of ordinary life, but something disappeared, some light went out in our relationship. I no longer wanted to be with my husband as before. I understood that something was happening to me, something was wrong. I didn’t then think that it wasn’t my problem at all, but OURS.”
HOW TO REVIVE LOVE?
All people are different, and love manifests itself differently in them. Some carry it within themselves and are stingy with it, sometimes it even seems that they don’t love at all, and when you flutter your eyelashes and plaintively ask, “Darling, don’t you love me anymore?” – he roundly widens his eyes and says, “What?!! Of course, I love you! Can’t you see?!!” And you really don’t see. It turns out that the dry kiss he gave you in the morning when leaving for work, accompanied by the words “Bye, darling!”, and upon returning, the same kiss with the addition of “Hi, honey, is dinner ready?” – was a real revelation for him, (it’s good that he was generous with the kiss!), but you wanted him to grab you and lift you up like he did when you were dating, to spend the weekends together.
Or vice versa, you might be annoyed by his constant nagging, when you’re holding a steak in one hand and a hot frying pan in the other. Love can manifest itself differently, love can fade, but it can always be brought back to life, if it was indeed love. It’s not for nothing that they say that small love is killed by difficulties, but big love – like fire – is blown even stronger. And here you’ll need everything that you needed when you were about to embark on this long journey – together with your chosen one and for life.
First of all, what will grow between you after you start living together – if you, of course, will nurture it – is not quite the same mad passion, not the same sublime adoration that brought you together into one family. There won’t be very vivid colors here, but there should be a steady, warm fire that you’ll need to constantly maintain. Love itself is too fragile to leave it unattended.
Remember a few rules that surprisingly work not only in marital relationships but also in any union. So,
UNION LAWS:
Accept the person who is beside you as they are. You loved him like that, of course, he has flaws, but there’s simply no person without flaws. And then, flaws can become virtues – just look at them differently. Don’t try to change him, he’s most likely an adult, a formed person, try to understand why he’s not the way you see him or want to see him. Why do you think he must necessarily be the way you want him to be? Just let him be who he is, even if you thought he was different.
What you seem to know by heart but which usually doesn’t work no matter how hard you try – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” – No comments
Remember what true love entails: “Doing everything to make the other person happy and being happy when the other person is happy.” Forget about yourself, look, there’s a life going on inside him. Don’t you rejoice when he succeeds? – Then show it, don’t hide any positive emotions about him. Even if he just brought five kilograms of potatoes or hammered a nail. He may be supposed to do that, but is it really so hard to praise him? Darling, how was your day? Honey, aren’t your new shoes too tight? My love, let me massage your shoulders, you must be terribly tired? If he sees that everything you say is truly sincere, he’ll never tire of these little signs of attention.
And moreover, he’ll most likely provide them in the right amount. Doubt it? Then stretch out like a kitten in front of him and say, squinting, something like: “Sunshine, I really want you to rub my back!” I think he won’t refuse, and even more than that. It’s very upsetting when suddenly two years after marriage, you realize that your husband has become your lover, but not your friend. It’s good if you’ve realized this, there’s still time to become friends with him. (Don’t forget that friendship begins with a smile).
Originally published in Cosmopolitan
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