It now has become completely clear to me that connection, closeness, and interaction are very important in my life. Perhaps, this is the most important thing in my life. But (after listening to Transurfing) I now think, maybe it’s important because I haven’t had much of it in my life. Because I’m quite capricious here – I need it, but only a certain kind. Not just anyone. So, after all, it’s not some global desire of the soul, not a goal, but rather a means.
In other words, in itself, the fact that it’s a means, it’s neither good nor bad. Just an average fact. But through all this nonsense and with the help of friends, I understood something else. Again, maybe for someone, it was always obvious, and it’s not a new thought for me either, but I never understood it so close to myself.
The thing is, I believe that for connection, I just need to be attractive… externally.
From a very young age, I was generally not very concerned about what others (well, except perhaps for very close people who know me well) think of me as a person. The person inside me, it’s not visible, and even when it’s visible, when it’s open to those close to me, even they don’t always know what kind of person is in front of them because no one “walked in my shoes”.
But when it comes to my appearance, I have always been completely dependent on the opinions of others. Yesterday, I clearly understood that I always believed that the degree of my beauty is determined by the average arithmetic of the collective conscious and unconscious of everyone who sees me in principle and unconsciously evaluates me. Which is strange because I never categorize people, even those who are clearly very beautiful or not very attractive (subjectively, from my point of view, of course!).
It would seem that the fact that such an aesthete and visual person like me does not judge purely based on appearance but takes into account personal and other characteristics of a person and acknowledges the complete subjectivity of any of their assessments in this area should have testified to me that, perhaps, most people have approximately the same system. But in my vision, every person should, upon seeing me, immediately, put a tick on a piece of paper, throw it into the “beautiful” or “not beautiful” glass, where that piece of paper would instantly cement.
With great hope, I always expected papers in the “beautiful” glass. (But never got them!) And I was insanely afraid of papers in the other glass. Now, of course, it became obvious that I’ve been wearing glasses of fear my whole life, distorting my reality to such an extent that I literally began to materialize papers in the “not beautiful” glass. Perhaps that’s why I’ve always struggled with excess weight my whole life because with my face, the easiest way to be unattractive is to become enormously overweight.
Now I’ve started noticing signs of aging. However, of course, even now, I’m told that you definitely wouldn’t guess I’m 43, after all, I hardly have any wrinkles. But still, I notice it! And with horror, I realize that somehow or other, I can no longer be completely objectively considered beautiful on par with genuinely beautiful young women.
What happened yesterday made me completely rethink my approach to this issue.
I realized that if I continue to try to compete with other women in terms of beauty, I will lose. I would lose in any case because objectively, I’m not Sophia Loren or whoever else. But I realized that trying to chase the bird in the hope of flying away by just flapping my hands is some kind of formal idiocy.
And then, logically, there is no objectivity in the realm of beauty because, firstly, a person’s external beauty is never perceived outside the context of the person themselves. Secondly, because external beauty cannot be objective in principle, because it’s always subjectively evaluated by each individual person based on a combination of their subjective preferences.
Therefore, trying to find the average arithmetic of the collective conscious and unconscious of those who can evaluate me in principle is like asking the first 100 people you meet on the streets of New York (take a diverse group) how much I should personally earn. The range from a homeless person to a Wall Street slick will be off the charts. But even this – these are just numbers. How can one base their own perception of their beauty on some people who aren’t even part of their close circle?
Yes, and why do I even need this assessment? To know if I can appeal to men or not? But this also doesn’t depend 100% on external beauty!
Therefore, I realized that right now, regardless of any objective opinions, I need to remove myself from the paradigm of beauty altogether. That it’s enough for me to know that I, as a phenomenon outside the context of professionalism – a person-woman – am simply attractive. I’m simply attractive as a whole because where I don’t match up to Sophia Loren, I might catch up in something else, – for those who could be called “my people”. After all, someone needs Sophia Loren. And someone feels very good next to Natasha.
Yes, I can’t compete with most beauties of this world. But it’s not required anyway. To be happy and to be in happy relationships (this is what my soul wants), it’s absolutely not necessary to be some incredible painted beauty. It’s enough to just be an attractive person – as a whole.
Why did I always think that for men, the most important thing in a woman is her external attractiveness? Why? I just can’t understand this. I mean, yes, external attractiveness is important for men, but still, for a complete man, it won’t be the only factor by which he decides whether he’s interested in this woman or not. Maybe I just encountered such characters in life who ruled me out only because my “not beautiful” glass was overflowing (probably with my own cemented papers!)?
Conclusion.
I’m stepping out of the system of assessing myself solely based on appearance and starting to learn to perceive myself as a whole person, rather than in parts.
We are all so different. And different things are attractive. And alive, kind, and bright are twice as attractive. And sincere and real.
Perhaps, this is the most important thing I had to understand in this life…
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