Recently, I’ve been reflecting quite a bit on psychoanalysis, which I once delved into so deeply that I decided it wasn’t for me. But that was a long time ago. The inner longing to be my true self, loving and at peace with myself and the world around me, has long inspired me to read books on philosophy, psychology, theosophy, religion, attend psychological clubs, workshops, and conduct my own research – I’ve used many resources on this journey towards self-discovery.
For a while, I worked with a very good psychologist in Moscow, Katya Kabanova, who helped me see and understand a lot – about myself, my parents, and their parents. It was all very interesting (and useful!), but at some point, I felt a sense of saturation, as there was progress, but it seemed like everything around me was just circling without getting to the core – to the core of why I don’t love myself and what specifically to do to fix it.
It seemed like I was getting stronger, understanding more with my mind why and how. But inside, it felt like nothing was changing. Or, at least, it changed briefly, only to return to square one as soon as I embarked on a new phase of life events – challenging ones that tested my self-love. Recently, reflecting on my inner work over the past two and a half years, I realized that I have achieved a lot again… Even if we take just the last couple of years.
I emerged from deep depression – the kind where I had to take antidepressants. I recovered from an illness akin to depression. I left a steady job that brought me neither joy, nor creative expression, nor the money I deserved; I started working as an independent consultant, reentered the arena of relationships, even managed to be in a relationship – albeit unsuccessful, but in them, I realized that I respect myself more than just wanting to be in a relationship, and I was able to walk away. I was full of my own projects and began to bring some of them to life. I completed a stand-up comedy school and almost completed a full course of comedy improvisation, learned to sail, flew a small plane as a pilot, traveled, and met and befriended new interesting people…
I think everything that happened to me is worthy of respect, and although I constantly feel like I’m wasting my life and spending it on nonsense, but this is mostly my parents’ “voice of reason,” which, of course, should not be dismissed and can sometimes be listened to, but mostly, it’s important to listen to your heart. Because in the end, I always do what I like, even if it may seem like nonsense to someone else… I recently read an “internet quote”: “Perhaps we should turn the activities with which we usually ‘kill time’ into what we should constantly do.” A bit too much, but there’s something to it.
So, what’s the point of all this? The other day, I analyzed some articles about psychotherapy and therapists because I plan to try talking to a therapist next week, as I am ready for some very active actions in solving the issue of “self-love,” and I decided that I need professional help on this path. For a while, I thought about it and remembered how I myself sometimes said that a person can always help themselves. A person always has everything they need to recover from any illness and overcome any problem. I believe that. Although, in practice, it’s not always so simple and easy, but ideally, it is. Recently, talking to Anya, I tried to convince her that I am not able to cope with my problems on my own, that I need help and support. Psychologists talk about the “four legs” principle (like a table) – that it takes four people in a team to help someone deal with something. Anya tried to convince me that it’s not necessary, that I can easily solve everything myself.
Well, easy or not, but our conversation made me think. Anyway, it will all be as the person decides. If they decide they need support and help – they really won’t make it without them. If they decide, “What to do, I’ll have to manage alone” – they will, otherwise how? I’ve had situations in my life when I had to get out, and there were no four legs nearby. So I had to get out as I was, one-legged. By allowing that I can do it alone, I somehow internally changed. I was without resentment and blame, just suddenly thought, maybe I really shouldn’t rely on any help. Maybe I am indeed capable of helping myself get out of the burrow where I’ve been hibernating, to where I want to fly…
But I still decided to see if a therapist could help me structure this work and speed up the process. Knowing how precious time is, I started imagining how I would describe the situation I’m in to the doctor, what I would say, how I would explain my tasks. I started articulating out loud everything I would say in a meeting with a specialist, and at this stage, interesting things started to happen.
I suddenly realized that not only do I know very well the reasons for my “lack of self-love” (some of them are already at the conscious level, while others can be unearthed in the process of recalling memories – a process that is not very pleasant, but necessary to go through), but I’m also equally aware of what I will need to do with all this knowledge of the causes. It’s so simple!
And all this work is not about “pulling yourself together,” “being strong,” “showering yourself with creams, shoes, or other gifts and indulgences”… The answer to everything will be simple mindfulness, reaching a level of mindfulness is not as simple and easy as it sounds…
This is how I see it (not claiming a professional assessment, just my personal understanding of the issue). Initially, a child is in complete harmony with themselves and the world, until in the process of interacting with this world, being dependent on the world (people, of course) in many aspects – physical, emotional, and others, the child starts to experience events that don’t fit into their understanding and feeling of harmony. These experiences are characterized by a sense of “Something is wrong with me” because children have an egocentric view of the world, and if something goes wrong in the world, then it must be their fault, as the source and cause of the world itself. Depending on the degree of experiencing “Something is wrong with me,” it also varies in degrees up to “I am terrible and completely unworthy of being in this world,” and the deeper this develops, the further the child distances themselves from integrity, unity with the world; it’s as if they are thrown beyond the boundaries of the world.
If a child is whole, it’s like “The world is me and you, and all of us together,” but a child who feels “There’s something wrong with me” sees it as “Here’s the world, and here’s me,” where the most extreme position on this spectrum is the territory of suicide. Moreover, in my view, all the fundamental “There’s something wrong with me” beliefs are established in childhood: most of them before the teenage years, and the final ones during adolescence. If, in adulthood, a person experiences an exacerbation of childhood (including teenage) moods, it’s simply an intensification; no new ones arise, just the development and flourishing of long-established ones. So, if a child never had problems expressing themselves, for example, in school, then in adulthood, they won’t experience deep professional crises, and they’ll overcome difficulties easily or with minimal help.
Conversely, if a child had serious difficulties in the area of “There’s something wrong with me” in certain spheres, then in the future, if life keeps presenting confirmations of this in those same areas, and if the person lacks awareness of this process, they’ll further solidify the belief that “there’s something wrong with me,” to the point where it becomes so ingrained that it’s hard to shake off even with professional efforts.
Again, “There’s something wrong with me” is just a generic name for a whole spectrum of possible self-perceptions. It can include “I’m ugly,” “I’m stupid,” “I’m incapable,” as well as projections from parents (since parents are an extension of my world, thus of myself) like “I’m a bad father/mother.” And many, many more! And this will always be the cause of “my unhappiness.” Why didn’t I get the job? – Because I’m just fat. Why wasn’t I promoted? – Because I’m not smart enough. Why am I not married? – Because I’m a bad cook. I’m giving fairly banal examples; often these are complex combinations of different characteristics, but at the core is always “I’m unworthy,” because… fill in the blank…
However, very often, an adult child doesn’t even realize that they feel “unworthy.” They may consciously think they’re “worthy,” but life keeps presenting scenarios where they end up feeling “unworthy,” because their “unworthiness” is woven into the fabric of their beliefs and perceptions. It doesn’t just disappear. Ever. The goal of psychotherapy is to see the finely written “I’M UNWORTHY” on the canvas of the patient’s life, to go through it again (sometimes having to revisit almost all the events that triggered and reinforced this “unworthiness”), and to REALIZE every stitch on this canvas. As a result, ultimately, this awareness becomes stronger than what’s written on the canvas, and what’s written ceases to have such an impact on the person and gradually fades away, disappearing altogether – as awareness begins to bring to the forefront the natural self-perceptions of the person, like “My world is me, you, and all of us together,” “I am love,” “Let’s create and soar,” and similar sentiments. And nowhere in this is there any boasting about being “beautiful,” “smart,” or “wonderful.” Because that’s irrelevant.
Transformation “towards oneself” isn’t about acquiring self-perceptions opposite to the old “unworthy” ones. Transformation is simply about “letting go” of the dysfunctional setting. There won’t be “unworthy” anymore; only one thing will remain – “worthy,” and there’s no need to believe in it, as it’s inherently the basic nature of every human being. Otherwise, people wouldn’t be born. They are born because they’re worthy. To be, to love, to be loved, and to create.
This is why it’s so important for a person to be self-aware. Not only to be aware of every moment – every moment of life, every moment of existence in this world. But also to understand that the canvas of “there’s something wrong with me, I’m unworthy” – is the result of childhood traumas – and is not the true nature of a person. And the deeper the childhood trauma, the “more concrete” the canvas, the longer one has to stay alert, the more attentive one needs to be to oneself when this canvas begins to guide one’s life.
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