Lately, I’ve been concerned (although I’ve almost gotten used to it, intellectually understanding it even though it’s still difficult to accept) by the fact that many people draw conclusions about us based on fragments (even tiny pieces) of information about us, which not only cannot form any somewhat realistic picture but also completely distort the existing perception of us.
Much is unseen, much is omitted, much is distorted, and as a result, people end up with an image that hardly relates to reality, and people already have feelings, thoughts, and their own perception of us about it. At the same time, I myself, of course, sometimes fall into this trap, apparently, it’s a feature of the human psyche. But. I’ve noticed that for me, a person unfamiliar to me is almost always a mystery. And despite being a reasonably intelligent person, I’ve noticed that I have far fewer opinions, formed judgments, and theories about who the person in front of me is compared to many people around me.
At first, I thought that maybe they are smarter than me and see more, but then I realized that people simply rush to conclusions; very often, they see something (a snippet of information) – and they consider it enough to form their own idea of what the whole person is like. Whereas, even after knowing a person for a long time, it’s not always possible to say who the person really is. This has been proven multiple times (sometimes only after years of being apart can you find out what kind of person you’ve been living with all this time). Not to mention that people change – they grow, learn, especially from their mistakes, make different decisions, develop… in general, it’s impossible for a person not to change, especially over time.
Almost every time I meet new people, I look at them as if I hardly know them – and I wonder, who is this person in front of me now? Of course, I “keep in mind” my previous knowledge about the person, but I am happy to accept their new manifestations and can take them as the basis for my new opinion about them.
But very often I encounter people’s opinions about me that they formed sometime in the past based on some of my behavior that was conditioned by reasons long gone – but people still see me as they did then… And they treat me accordingly. I’m learning to accept this because “I can’t influence how people feel about me.” Though, I must admit, it’s difficult for someone who loves to communicate and whose chances of having a good conversation are greatly diminished simply because people once formed the wrong opinion about me.
But what’s even more difficult is that not only do people like to draw conclusions about other people without really knowing them, they also spread these conclusions. For example. I met a cool girl at a party (at the theater). A talented musician, an interesting person, I was giving her a shoulder massage (after her performance), and it was clear that she enjoyed it and found it pleasant and interesting to talk to me. We exchanged emails and phone numbers, I asked her to invite me to her other concerts, especially since she often performed near my home in Los Angeles.
After a while, a few more people arrived (including Roland), this girl greeted them, they exchanged a few words, and for the rest of the evening, she looked at me with suspicion and distrust. I know for sure that I didn’t do or say anything, but this person’s attitude towards me changed sharply after she talked to someone. I’m not claiming that it was necessarily Roland, although I don’t deny it: we were in such a quarrel at that time that we didn’t talk to each other, we didn’t even greet each other. This girl never called or wrote to me again.
Of course, there could be several reasons, and I may not know much. But, agree, my theory is logical and plausible: Roland came, saw that the girl and I were having an animated conversation and both enjoying it, he said something about me to her, and she lost all interest in me and even more. Once again, this is only a theory. Without evidence, I won’t develop it, but I won’t forget it either: if something similar happens again and again, I will draw conclusions.
That’s why I’m so resistant to it when people try to blacken someone in my eyes. In the case with A., I tried for a very long time to explain to the person who insisted that A. was a monster that there could be many reasons for A.’s behavior. True, the person was very persistent and brought very logical arguments that perfectly explained the inconsistencies that I had previously encountered regarding A. and beautifully complemented the image of A. But even after I agreed with this person’s opinion about A., I was ready to change it for the better if A. managed to explain or show that A. is not at all what we think of A. Then A., unfortunately, only confirmed our opinion about A…
By the way, I still feel bad not only because it turned out that A. is such a person, but also (despite all this) that I didn’t stop attempts to explain to me what kind of person A. was and got stuck on it, when I should have moved on and just left this topic in the past, but I got sucked into it and discussed A. for a long time. I’m even embarrassed to think that I did that. A. didn’t have a chance to restore their reputation: after all, A. didn’t know what we thought and said about A. And although these were facts, one cannot perceive a person in isolation from their entire life, their entire life history, because their actions – individual, torn out of the context of their life – say very little, almost nothing, about them.
That’s why those who consider themselves very smart, pinning someone down with their (low) opinion of that person, aren’t really that smart because they don’t see the whole picture. And sometimes the person themselves doesn’t know the whole picture, because there’s still so much locked in the subconscious!
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