I’ve come close. I can feel it. What I’ve been searching for so long, I think I’ve almost found.
Subconscious substitutions of true beliefs with false ones
I want to love. But I’m afraid. Because love brings pain. In the end, I stop wanting to love. I want to love with my heart, but I don’t want to with my head.
I want to start close relationships with someone, but I’m afraid, because it’s the responsibility to make them “right.” And on the other hand, I’m very afraid of being betrayed. I’m afraid to trust. And to be trusted. I’m afraid to start relationships because I’m afraid of rejection. My self-confidence is so fragile that I fear the man I like will tell me he’s not interested. I’m afraid to even try – because I’m afraid not only the one I’m interested in, but everyone… everyone… I’m afraid that if I initiate any relationships, everyone will run away from me, and then I’ll be completely alone. I’m afraid that if I start using feminine tricks to win a man, they will fail, and then I’ll be completely disappointed in myself as a woman. In the end, I stop wanting close relationships. I want them with my heart, but not with my head.
I want to get into shape, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid because I know that when I lose weight, close relationships will immediately appear, for which I’ll have to take responsibility, and the risk of being betrayed and abandoned will increase immensely. A beautiful body is also a responsibility for clothing, for appearance. It means I’ll have to be a woman 100%.
I want to recover at university. But I’m afraid. Because it’s a tremendous responsibility, but that’s not the scariest part. The scariest part is not being first. I always have to be first. I’m the very best. Satisfactory grades don’t satisfy me. I want everyone to see my knowledge and abilities. I’m afraid of failure.
True beliefs
I want to love. Love is beautiful. It enlightens and purifies. It only brings pain when you start wanting to possess. When you don’t bother about giving or receiving, but simply dissolve in the process of love. Because “love is always one, it’s the objects that are different” (c) L. Gurchenko. There’s no need to be afraid to love. It’s almost as amusing as being afraid to live.
I want to have a close relationship with someone. Intimacy. I want to love and to be loved. I want to wake up in the arms of a loved one and fall asleep on his shoulder, I want to wake up from his kisses and wake him up with mine. I want to enjoy his body and give him the same pleasure, I want to merge with him soul and rise to the heavens. I want to feed him delicious food and feel the strong shoulder of a man nearby. I want to feel like a woman, not a workhorse who “always does everything herself.” I don’t mind doing things myself, it’s just that when you “always do everything yourself,” it seems like you become “both a woman and a man.”
But I want to be a woman – who I am. I want to create comfort, greet with tender embraces, put his flowers in a square vase, run my fingers through his thick dark hair, tickle the tip of his nose with my eyelashes, kiss his neck and collarbones, feel his lips on my skin… and warm hands, wrapping around me at night, instinctively caressing me in sleep. I want common jokes, tender words that only we understand, friendship and closeness. I want to support him when he’s having a hard time and know that he’ll always support me. Affection and warmth. Hot tea in cold frost and cool juice in heat. Together at 120 km/h or at the speed of heartbeats. To be one half of one whole together with him.
God, how wonderful it is. It’s such a magical responsibility, it’s such a magical trust. Being together not because you want to take something or even give something, but because you want to create something. Now I know what I want from close relationships and what kind of close relationships I want. And it’s not scary to lose. Because it’s not mine and it never was mine. But what I create out of love will be mine and OURS forever. And feminine tricks are really unfair. Now I’m open to these relationships. And something will definitely happen that will start them in my life. Exactly the ones I want. And with the person I want in my life.
It’s unlikely that I’ll find someone who will accept me as I am with all my quirks, and who will also be sexually attractive to me, dominant, strong, and smarter and stronger than me. And then, one important factor – I am in constant search. This will also be quite challenging for anyone who wants to connect their fate with mine.
I want to be accepted as I am. I am who I am. Just like this. Exactly like this. And I don’t want to be turned into a shallow Barbie doll. I understand that I represent great value to myself, but for close (romantic) relationships, my personal qualities, my search, my spiritual growth, my strength, and everything else hold no value. Something else is needed for close relationships. I have little to offer from that list.
I can live alone. I’ve always lived alone. And I will. There’s nothing scary about that, although somewhere deep down, I understand that I wouldn’t want to. Sometimes it seems to me that “ignorance is bliss” and it’s better to stay in the Matrix. But then I realize that it’s actually right to be aware of where you are and when, rather than playing pointless social games.
No responses yet