Discretion disclaimer: Written in Russia in 1994. Times were different then.
You may not believe it, but there are many women in the world who love not only men. And their number is increasing. Some doctors claim that it is completely normal, and that a huge number of normal women have had a sexual relationship with a woman at least once in their life or considered such a possibility. What about you?
…No one ever knows how life can turn. Spring and my love were raging. In the midst of my next affair, I went with my lover to visit our mutual friend Katerina. She was a woman to the tips of her hair and my ideal of embodied sexuality. My beloved Sasha also clearly shared my delight, but for some reason it did not scare or bother me – for me it was so natural. A wonderful evening with the three of us at Katya’s – wonderful music, a tender dancing Sasha. I liked not only touching him, but also seeing how he moved. In a sweet haze in the semi-darkness, Sasha danced with Katya.
I don’t know why, but I wasn’t at all unpleasant when their movements began to go beyond just dancing. It was a wonderful sight of an erotic act between two beautiful man and woman. I don’t even know who I liked more – him or her. Him – of course, I loved him… And her… she was full of grace, trembled so tremulously in his arms and breathed so deeply that a hot hurricane began to boil inside me to my surprise, and goosebumps ran down my skin. There was no doubt – I wanted her. I don’t remember how I ended up next to them and kissed them both, I could no longer tell whose hands were caressing me. I was so out of real life that I wasn’t surprised then that Sasha was actually the first to suggest “making a bouquet of people.”
The bouquet turned out to be grand. Unexpectedly, I rediscovered Katya. Now she was no longer just my friend, I enjoyed touching her body, I was ecstatic from her passionate kisses. It became completely clear to me… broke my fear. For the first time I understood what it means to love and want a woman. My former views turned out to be an amazing stupidity and immaturity. Polina’s waiting and patience were rewarded. She was an amazing woman in every sense. It became clear to me how mistaken a person can be and I regretted that I was once so categorical, consciously kicking away from my own happiness. Now I have a loved one – a man, – Polina lives in another city – we cannot be together, but sometimes it seems to me that among all my affairs, the affair with Polina was the most exciting, deep and unique.”
In one psychological school, they once conducted an experiment. A small group of men and women were blindfolded and paired up, including man-man and woman-woman pairs. They had to kiss without touching each other with their hands. The results were staggering: some same-sex couples admitted after the experiment that they got a huge pleasure, sometimes even more than the opposite-sex couples standing next to them. Consciousness was deceived – this time, permission to enjoy did not depend on a person’s views, but was provided only by sensations.
…If you still consider bisexuality abnormal, try to look at the world through the eyes of someone who likes both men and women. Imagine, for example, just for one minute, a situation where the world suddenly turns upside down and it is considered “normal” to interact with a woman, while a relationship with a man is not only unnatural, but also immoral. You, like all normal people, have a “wife” but for some reason incomprehensible to you, you suddenly like a man.
Well, you like him, that’s all – and you can’t do anything about it. In secret from everyone, you risk – your good name and the loss of your beloved woman – and arrange a meeting with him. But you’re unlucky and he turns out to be a homosexual. In grief, you can’t find a place for yourself, you rush around, getting burned again and again, your next crush threatens to tell everything to your beloved. And suddenly you meet a like-minded person…
…which is why even seemingly super-temperamental bisexual women don’t find it easier to live. However, in the West, amorous women have begun to come out of the underground. There were mentions in the press about the bisexuality of Madonna, singer Sandra Bernard and model Rachel Williams. I haven’t seen any notes in the press about Russian women of this kind yet, but there are already various rumors circulating. And even though society, of course, does not treat this aggressively, the public outing of bisexual women from “star” circles would certainly give rise to a lot of talk and immediately ensure increased popularity for the subject.
…What is bisexuality?.. Let’s start from the beginning. You like men. You notice interesting ones, some attract you, some – the most remarkable – excite you. In particularly exciting cases – drive you crazy. But what about the ladies? You like some women. Some – because they are beautiful, others – because they are intelligent. Some take you with their manners, bright individuality or business acumen.
Sometimes – very rarely – women cross your path whom, if you don’t worship, you admire them – you want to be like them, you want to learn more about them, you want to be around them, communicate with them. Sometimes you even distinguish how sexual this or that woman is. If this happens, then it is a sure sign that you are inclined towards bisexuality. Rather, your inclination is already gradually seeking an outlet and a real opportunity for expression.
Before my passion for women fully emerged, once at a disco with friends, I met Angela – a 20-year-old professional dancer. Those who dance usually have great figures, posture and plasticity. Their movements are beautiful, with a sense of strength and often sensuality. Angela was one of those passionate people – she loved to dance, which she did really well. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Lively, beautiful, she was like a firework of joy at the celebration of life. I liked her, I wanted to get to know her better. We became friends. Angela turned out to be a very good person and soon some kind of attraction arose between us…
…recalling some moments of my relationships with girlfriends in childhood, I sometimes see the beginning of my bi- in them. And psychologists and sexologists believe that sexuality is always present to some degree in the behavior of children and in their relationships with each other. Only they have not yet acquired specific sexual orientations – for a child, both a boy and a girl are equal in this sense. Sexual development takes direction already under the influence of upbringing. Scientists say that many of the so-called mono- or heterosexuals are much more inclined to love their own sex than they can even imagine. Moreover, if society fully accepted bisexuality as the norm, sexual contact with a woman would even be somewhat convenient – the possibility of sexual satisfaction is doubled and the risk of pregnancy is halved.
…What are the causes of bisexuality? They can be sought in the peculiarities of a woman’s hormonal type. But the fact that she has a large amount of male hormones does not mean that she is sexually inclined towards her own sex.
Some doctors believe that bisexuality is hidden in the peculiarities of anatomical structure: they say, the clitoris is actually an atrophied male genital in centuries. Some scientists claim that they seem to have derived some “homosexuality gene.” The causes of bisexuality can be sought in the chromosomal set, because, ultimately, the very sex is determined by it. The chemistry of the processes that could explain the emergence of love between people of the same sex can be thoroughly investigated, but, unfortunately, this will not help…
Some experts believe that if people had a choice and didn’t know in advance which gender they should be sexually attracted to, the number of homosexuals (both men and women) would increase by a factor of 20, and practically everyone else (!!!) would become bisexual. Some sexologists argue that a huge portion of humanity, perhaps even the majority, naturally leans towards a bisexual type, and only human consciousness determines the final orientation type, while the degree of sexual freedom depends solely on the openness of consciousness, the strength of temperament, and the absence of psychological problems, complexes, and stereotypes.
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So what happens when the eternal taboo on homosexuality forces little girls to see in same-sex interactions the most depraved and dirty things that can exist on our sinful Earth? Many women, in horror, deliberately suppress any signs of attraction to their own gender, sometimes depriving themselves of a good portion of joy and the most basic sexual satisfaction, never daring to admit to themselves the most terrible, but so … natural, though largely unacceptable by society.
Of course, I’m not urging you to immediately leave your beloved men and rush in search of the “woman of your dreams,” but human experience has proven that there is not just one example of how women have found moral and sexual satisfaction only in the embrace of representatives of their own gender.
Some researchers are amazed by the results of surveys, according to which almost every woman with higher education who lived in a dormitory during her student years had at least one contact with another woman. Among women who did not graduate from institutes or universities, the percentage of those who had contacts with their own gender decreases to 20 percent.
Experts say that it’s not about education but about opportunities. When a girl constantly lives far from home, parental control significantly weakens, she is left to her own devices and uses many more opportunities to demonstrate her maturity to herself and others. Sex is openly discussed, and in student circles, bisexuality is often not considered shameful. It is in such “free conditions” of existence that lesbians and bisexual women are most often born.
“I had a serious quarrel with my parents and ran away to nowhere – to a hippie-artistic party scene with a firm intention to show mom and dad that I am already grown up and free to choose my own path and way of existence,” says 23-year-old Maya, a correspondent. – “For a few days, I somehow crashed at friends’ places or at parties, when on one of them I was picked up by Zhenya.
I was only 16 at the time, my mind was full of ordinary youthful maximalism and protest against everything that seemed decent and stuffy to me, against the moralizing of parents and school. Zhenya was 20 years older than me and simply took me to live with her. Once, after a party, she took advantage of me when I had too much to drink. She was a lesbian.
The most interesting thing is that I felt very good. In the morning, realizing what had happened, I got terribly angry, gathered my things, and left her house, as it seemed to me, forever. At that time, I was generally more asexual. And this incident just infuriated and humiliated me. I was still hiding somewhere with friends, but Zhenya found me and brought me back to her place. I stayed with her for almost half a year, and any of my desire would come tru, so I could only stay around and let to be with me.
At first, I was simply indifferent, I was very passive. In reality, back then, being young and foolish, I just amused myself and laughed at Zhenya. For her, I was an object of passion. For me, she was a amusing creature to control and play with. However I have to admit, that I felt good being with her, and I even climaxed a few times.
Can this be considered the beginning of my emerging sexuality? – I don’t know. Now I understand that even after this six-month adventure, I am unlikely to ever sleep with a woman. However, in principle, it’s possible to make such a commitment, but I would rather not.”
Sexologists refer to women like Maya as situational lesbians. They may sometimes be active in interactions with their own gender, but if they find themselves in mixed company again, their attention is immediately captured by men. This phenomenon is often encountered in prisons. There, couples form and a real turbulent love life develops – more or less serious. Usually, with rare exceptions, no one forces anyone, everything happens lovingly, but as soon as a woman is released, she rarely returns to homosexual experiments, preferring the classic heterosexual couple.
Extremely rarely does a situational lesbian become full-fledged. This mostly happens only if the first and most memorable sexual contact during sexual maturation for the girl occurred not with a man. More often than not, the initiator is an older girl or adult woman, as was the case with Maya and Zhenya. If Zhenya had appealed to Maya on a personal level, the age difference would have been slightly less, and they would have lived a little longer, perhaps Maya would never have needed men again.
Can it be said that a woman is more emotionally sensitive than a man? – Some bisexual women believe that this is not the case. Yes, of course, a woman is a completely different matter. She has some extraordinary, subtle scent, softer skin, curves of the body. She is more flexible and unpredictable, and overall, in a sexual sense, much more mysterious than a man. But all this does not mean that a woman is better, including as a lover, she’s just different. However, psychologically, women face the same problems as men.
Woody Allen once joked that bisexual women find it easier to find happiness in love because there’s a higher chance of not being alone “on Saturday night.” However, true bisexuals know that this is a sad joke. Love for someone of the same sex is no easier or lighter than the more familiar heterosexual love.
Some believe that bisexual women are much more intimate daring than their heterosexual and homosexual counterparts. Indeed, I have often noticed that if a woman loves not only men, she is not just very developed sexually, but perhaps even too developed. However, even such ladies have not unlimited opportunities to meet like-minded individuals.
At work, everyone seems so “normal”. If a man is courting you, there is inevitably an erotic undertone. If you are socializing with a woman, the relationship doesn’t extend beyond friendship. Often, the only place where a woman can find a bedmate is at a gay bar. But this is not always safe. Moreover, even if there’s nothing to fear, it looks very unpleasant, according to 27-year-old Muscovite Ali. “You sit like an idiot at the bar and wait for someone to approach and pick you up. Yuck! Disgusting! Not my style!” Many mature bisexual women still hide their sexual orientation from their parents and even from friends.
Once burnt, they don’t want to spend years and nerves trying to regain the lost favor of loved ones, so they prefer not to hope for the favorable attitude of their surroundings, but it’s better to keep silent, which, as is known, is the calmest option. It turns out that in words, we are all very tolerant of forms of love that are unusual for most people. But in practice… We all understand, but we can’t do anything about it ourselves. That is, not with ourselves, but with the centuries-old stereotype, similar in character to the once prevalent opinion that masturbation is harmful to health and oral sex is so low and dirty that it should make you sick.
And what to do if failure follows failure, you are unlucky in love not only with men but also with women. Imagine telling this to your best friend and seeing how her face changes at your words. Most likely, she’ll hurry to make up a lie, saying that she forgot to turn off the iron at home and that it’s better for you not to meet at your place next time. Where to find advice and understanding? Of course, if you have a good friend, she’ll sympathize with you, but in her heart, she’ll pity you. (Well, as for parents, if they don’t adhere to revolutionary views on life, it’s even harmful, if not dangerous, to talk about it.)
In studies of female love, the majority of bisexual women admitted that at least once in their lives they tried to incline “normal” girlfriends to sex. However, as a rule, this did not bring successful results. Inga recounted that once she suggested making love to Natasha, who had never slept with women before. Natasha was flattered and intrigued but still couldn’t. “I think she got scared,” Inga said.
22-year-old Svetlana, a medical student, was categorically against sexual communication with women. At that time, Svetlana was studying at a psychological school in a sexology class. “We often had to discuss non-standard and not always familiar behavior and situations, including homo- and bisexuality. I was calmly disposed towards people of these types, but for myself, I considered it absolutely unacceptable, not allowing even the thought of “this”. Along with Svetlana, Polina, a psychology lecturer at one of the St. Petersburg institutes, was in the group. Polina was 10 years older than Svetlana, but this did not prevent them from becoming friends soon.
“She was a completely extraordinary woman – wisdom and intelligence, inner strength and tenderness were combined in her. Her personality was a mystery to me – and all the more attractive – but at the same time so close and dear. I was drawn to her, but I felt that I appealed to her not only as a friend, and this scared and repelled me. I was in such a suspended state until Polina went back to her native St. Petersburg. We corresponded while she was away; I did not feel her sexual tension, but at the same time, I realized how dear she was to me as a person. Two months later, Polina came back to Moscow and stayed with me in the dormitory. I didn’t know what to feel. My being no longer repelled her.
She, so to speak, broke my fear. I understood for the first time what it means to love and desire a woman. My previous views turned out to be astonishingly stupid and immature. Polina’s waiting and patience were rewarded. She was an amazing woman in every sense. I realized how a person can be mistaken, and I regretted that I was once so categorical, consciously rejecting my own happiness. Now I have a beloved person – a man, – Polina lives in another city – we cannot be together, but sometimes I feel that among all my romances, the romance with Polina was the most exciting, deep, and unique.”
In one psychological school, an experiment was once conducted. A small group of men and women had their eyes blindfolded and were paired up, including instances of man-to-man and woman-to-woman pairs. They were required to kiss without touching each other with their hands. The results were staggering: some same-sex pairs admitted after the experiment that they experienced immense pleasure, sometimes even more than the opposite-sex pairs standing nearby. Consciousness was deceived – this time permission to experience pleasure was not dependent on a person’s views, but was granted solely based on sensations.
If you still consider bisexuality abnormal, try to look at the world through the eyes of someone who is attracted to both men and women. For just a minute, imagine a scenario where suddenly in the world, interacting with women is considered “normal,” while having a relationship with a man is not only unnatural but also deemed immoral. Like everyone else, you have a “wife,” but for some inexplicable reason, you find yourself attracted to a man.
Well, you’re attracted, and that’s it – there’s nothing you can do about it. In secret, risking your good name and the loss of your beloved woman, you arrange to meet him. But luck isn’t on your side, and he turns out to be homosexual. In grief, you feel restless, tossing and turning, repeatedly burning yourself; your latest crush threatens to reveal everything to your beloved. And then you meet a like-minded person.
He, too, hides from everyone, including his “husband,” the fact that he loves women. You meet, understanding that if it happened to you, then perhaps nature somewhere allowed for such a possibility, but you continue to suffer deeply because society reminds you at every turn that there is a “flaw” in your relationship. Is the situation absurd? But in reality, it’s very much like the truth. Of course, you might argue that the fact that two women living together without men cannot have children already indicates that from a natural standpoint, it’s unnatural. However, even in heterosexual couples, there’s a significant number of both men and women who are naturally infertile.
What advice would I give you if you suddenly woke up one day realizing you’ve fallen in love with your boss’s secretary or your neighbor on the same floor? – Don’t run away from yourself. Figure out if it’s really “love,” or longing for a man, or – as strange as it may seem to you – envy. You might just like – really like – her stride, you might simply notice how attractive she is.
But even if you’re absolutely sure that there’s no room for doubt and you’ve truly fallen in love or want to be with a woman, understand that there’s nothing abnormal about it. Don’t let it scare you. Perhaps someday society will break free from stereotypes, and people – whether you’re black, white, pink, or blue, whether you’re an apple or a flower – will love each other and won’t run away from themselves. After all, the main thing is not to satisfy the raging sexual beast within, but to have more love in the world.
Originally published in Cosmopolitan
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