I started recalling unpleasant events from the past related to my former colleagues. These events always make me shudder and strive to quickly forget it all over again. Even now, almost three to four years after all of this, it feels like yesterday to me, and it’s awful, disgusting, humiliating, and many other epithets. Every time I remember this, I feel sick and in pain. And then I was driving and suddenly realized that I needed to “reclaim all the energy” that those events and that story drained from me.
I’ve read a lot about “reclaiming your energy,” but since it’s not a scientific thing, no one will give any guaranteed methods, it’s all about faith, mostly. I realized that I wanted to reclaim my energy, but I didn’t know how. And I just made the decision that’s it, now I’m reclaiming all the energy that went out of me in that direction. And somehow immediately felt a surge of energy, huge. And the people who were involved in that story back then ceased to mean anything at all.
Now I have a feeling that all of this exists simply as facts on paper in some distant past, and maybe not even mine, that is, I felt that it no longer weighs on me, does not torment me, does not make me hide in shame and wish to sink through the ground.
I don’t blame those people, my former colleagues, although if I told what I went through, some would probably have their hair slightly raised on some stretch of skin. And considering my emotional nature and sensitivity, I’m even surprised that all I experienced back then was mild depression, PMDD, and a short-lived (only about 1-1.5 years) neurosis. And indeed, the most beautiful decision in my life over the past four years was to leave that company.
The properties of the psyche are amazing: during the process, you don’t realize how bad you feel, your life just gets worse and worse along with your health, but you can’t grasp the severity and depth of the suffering, you just feel that it’s difficult, but how much – you don’t understand.
And only after some time, when you “heal”, go through everything, forget, experience, realize or stuff it all inside and try to escape, or both in turn – even considering that over time only the good remains in memory, mostly, you still see how monstrous your situation and state were some time ago, how hard it was for you and how no one helped you, and those who were with you constantly systematically worsened your condition – not because they were bad people. They just found it fun, and they found a way to justify their actions.
When you want to make friends against someone, when it’s fun to poison and torment someone, there will always be a way to justify your actions, for example, deciding that this person deserved such treatment. Of course, no one knows how the person himself lives, how difficult it is for him, what he has been through in life, and how hard he tries not to go crazy.
I had a story, I don’t remember if I ever shared it here. I just remembered it the other day. I was resting in a pioneer camp on the Black Sea. I always swam very well, loved to swim. That year at this camp, the regime was quite liberal, they allowed us to sit in the sea for a long time, and in general, they didn’t control us too much. The first squad. In our squad was the daughter of the camp chief, Ira.
Overall, the girl is cool, but since she was the “daughter,” she didn’t suffer too much reflection, everything went off her hands. Our squad was very friendly. Not very, but VERY. I later came to Tuapse and met with the guys, I’m sorry we somehow lost touch, they were soulful and smart people. But that’s beside the point, a lyrical digression.
So, we were swimming with Ira and other girls and having fun. Our first squad had buoys quite far away, in the farthest place it was relatively deep, that is, only if your head went completely into the water, could your fingers reach the bottom, even for tall girls. And I’m short. We swam, we swam, played, and suddenly I realized that they started “drowning” me.
Well, who hasn’t played “drowning” in childhood? Well, press on the head once-twice-three times, they pop up, you press a little again – and that’s it, everyone laughs, everything is fine for everyone. But this time the brainless (there’s no other way to explain it) and unpunished Ira had a desire to play with me to the fullest.
It’s a good thing no one else participated besides her. She started pressing on my head, and I started going under the water. After 2-3-4 times, it didn’t stop. She kept going, I went under the water, not even managing
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