Self-love is equivalent to the absence of self-hatred, it’s a state of human consciousness that can be described as “simple” – devoid of self-flagellation, self-rejection on any level, constant self-reflection, self-criticism, self-punishment, and lack of self-respect. It’s also a state in which a person easily and calmly socializes in society without fear, doubt, suspicion, and expectations. In other words, it’s a calm, conscious existence in which a person is capable of finding pleasure in simple things and possesses a flexible (adaptive) perception of reality. It might even be somewhat boring (for those who love intense experiences), but it’s the normal state of personal health.
It’s not necessary to accomplish many feats or anything extraordinary, or to be extraordinary in order to simply love oneself: every person deserves their own love, acceptance, respect, protection, and support regardless of their achievements. Meanwhile, self-love helps align one’s actions (both external actions and those directed inward – thoughts, feelings, awareness, self-improvement) with one’s own understanding of morality and “rightness” or “decency,” honesty. It helps, but again, it’s not the only thing to rely on.
You could spend your whole life “serving others” and still die without accepting yourself. Nevertheless, I believe that aligning oneself with their own internal morality and decency is the cornerstone of building oneself as a self-accepting and self-respecting individual, it’s the basis of “self-love”. And the higher this standard is for oneself, the more one’s internal understanding of decency and responsibility corresponds to commonly accepted norms, the more it helps many people strengthen a favorable atmosphere for self-acceptance.
Many things can serve as a “trigger” in the process of overcoming the state of “non-self-love” – taking care of oneself, doing actions that bring happiness, giving to oneself and others (anything – money, objects, intangible gifts like time, love, care, attention), but it’s not wise to rely on this alone: you can get stuck in such actions and forget what it was all about in the first place – to stop not loving oneself. These trigger mechanisms themselves cannot be a complete and only tool in the process of overcoming “non-love.”
External attractiveness matters to us as elements of modern society, but it’s impossible to fit oneself into a universal attractive image. Moreover, efforts to fit oneself into an image that one likes are not a universal means in this area. The most reliable way to work on one’s own attractiveness is to realize one’s own image as it is now and accept it as the standard of one’s own system of external attractiveness. The main thing is how we perceive ourselves in our own world. What should be avoided, in my opinion, are attempts to use the “self-love” instrument – striving for some ideal that a person is not.
There are no guarantees that when this ideal is achieved, a person will start loving themselves. Perhaps it could help, but few “do not love themselves” simply because they do not conform to their own (or someone else’s imposed on them) notions of external attractiveness. And if this ideal cannot be achieved, it will only be another reason not to love oneself (and even more so to blame oneself for the epic fail). Moreover, this approach perfectly implies further development within this state of affairs: you can change, you can develop, “improve” (in quotes, because it’s purely subjective!), that is, you can continue to work on yourself (your external attractiveness).
Not always, but often, non-self-love stems from childhood traumas. Sometimes we don’t even realize how these events can shift the “support point” in our consciousness and distort self-perception. Therefore, sometimes it is very helpful to turn to a psychologist. On my personal experience, it’s best not to turn to one when “everything is bad, I can’t, I’m drowning, throw me a lifeline”, but when everything seems fine, but one realizes that some areas of their life are not working because they don’t accept themselves (don’t love themselves). But it’s different for everyone.
Unfortunately, people often go to psychologists very often when their condition becomes neurotic and they are no longer able to lead a normal daily life. It’s best to turn to psychologists when we are in a “learning” state – in a state of calm exploration and openness. That’s why I generally recommend to everyone who works with the theme of “non-self-love” to go through at least 2-3 consultations with a psychologist.
Sometimes self-work is enough if one has enough knowledge and a certain level of awareness. But very often it’s impossible without a psychologist, and to determine whether it’s possible or not, you can only talk to a psychologist. So if you’ve been struggling for years and can’t get out of the swamp of non-self-love, perhaps you shouldn’t “shun” professional help.
Don’t rely on the fact that a wizard in a blue helicopter will suddenly come, or a prince/princess will come and change everything. Yes, there are cases when only this helps: when suddenly love enters one’s life, a loved one provides so much acceptance and support that it becomes enough to correct one’s own self-perception, and sometimes even enough to maintain it even after the prince/princess leaves. But personally, I haven’t met such people, only heard that such things happen. I’m not sure it can work at all. Of course, the people around us influence us, and it’s worth surrounding oneself with people who support us and accept us as we are, and getting rid of those who judge us.
Conscious parents (relatives) and faithful good friends (and loved ones) – always help a lot in getting rid of “non-self-love”, but they are not able to do all the work completely: it’s up to the person themselves, it’s an internal work to change one’s own self-perception, and the environment can only create a favorable atmosphere for this. But it’s also not worth relying too much on it: today friends are in a good mood and everything is fine with them. And tomorrow they are busy and have problems, they won’t be able to give you another portion of “atmosphere” – and that’s it, you deflate.
Working to turn “non-self-love” into “calm conscious completeness” can go quickly or slowly, shortly or last for years. But the main thing to always remember is that there are no definite time frames or speeds at which one should (need, can) move. Every person is a unique Universe. There are no two identical lives. So you will work on this for as long as you need – for yourself. Whether you work independently or with a psychologist, the main thing to know is that the internal reasons for “non-self-love” are finite. They can all be worked through.
Sometimes they are simple, there are few of them, they are on the surface. Sometimes they are buried deep within a person’s personality and with professional help can be brought to the surface. But either way, this list (of reasons, problems, difficulties, obstacles) on the way to self-love is finite. And you just need to be patient to work through each one individually and give yourself time to adapt. So, once you start this path – it’s towards “self-love,” – it’s worth relaxing and believing that you will reach this goal, even if it’s difficult and/or takes a long time. You will definitely get there because the main thing is to move forward. And at every stage, remember that you are working on yourself.
Don’t be afraid of losing something, “not loving yourself” – opportunities, people, youth, beauty. Unfortunately, you cannot accelerate the process of eliminating “non-self-love.” And the fervent desire to “succeed” can give you a false perception of the process as completed, and nothing good will come of it. Also, from my experience: your people, opportunities, events, phenomena – they will still be with you. Beauty is a subjective concept, and at every age, there’s its own beauty. People who do not “not love” themselves always generate as many opportunities in their lives as they want, and youth will pass anyway, no one can avoid that. Work with what you have and be grateful.
And, finally, the most important thing. Calmly, without pain and rejection, allow yourself not to love yourself for now. This is the first step towards acceptance.
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